As you know, from the last entry and just by knowing me, Busha passed away almost 3 weeks ago.
This is going to be another personal entry, and I apologize, but writing sometimes helps. Although right now even writing the longest book in the world wouldn't take away this hurt.
It happened on a Friday night. A few of my cousins and I decided to stay the night at her house like we used to when we were little. We got ready for bed, and said goodnight to her. We told her we loved her, and thanks for everything...somehow it seemed like the right time. Less than a minute after we left the room, she was gone.
I can honestly say that that night, was the worst of my life. It was like a dream watching family come in, rushing to the bedroom, sitting up and crying and shaking. Watchig the men come and take her away. It was awful. The days that followed were and will be, without a doubt, a few of the darkest of my life. I have never lost someone so close to me, and it turns out, I deal pretty poorly.
Everyone says that it gets easier, that losing a grandparent is so common you will feel better in no time. Well these people never lost Busha. She was the glue that kept our family together...a family of over 12 aunts and uncles, 14 grandchildren, and 16 great-grand children. We are such a close family, but it was all because of her. I spoke at the funeral home service, surprisingly making it through. I told a funny story, because Busha was full of them.
She was so full of life, so caring, so brave. Probably my favorite person in the world. And I keep talking about it, but I can't stop. I believe that the people who are important in my life each make up a little piece of my heart. When they leave, their piece goes with them. So it honestly feels like I am missing a piece of me. I'm not going to get over this. I'm not going to feel ashamed that I start crying while walking to class. I am going to miss her forever, and right now the sting is just too much.
Death is so crazy to me. It is way too permanent. For some reason, I keep thinking this is just temporary. It's a bad dream, and she will be back once we learn our lesson.
We drove to Florida last week, and by the time we arrived I was going on 40 minutes of sleep in over 30 hours. I was so tired, I actually delusioned myself into thinking that it didn't really happen. That she was fine, the funeral was a dream.
I hope she can hear me, see me, know that I love her and miss her so much.
Bear with me for awhile, I really don't know when this will pass. And for everyone that has lost someone, I am so so so sorry I didn't fully appreciate your loss at the time. I didn't understand. And every loss is different, I know. I just hope no one ever has to experience this kind of hurt.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
And angels fall without you here...
God saw you were getting tired,
and a cure was not to be,
so He put His arms around you
and whispered, 'come to me.'
With tearful eyes we watched you,
and saw you pass away,
although we loved you dearly,
we could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
hard working hands at rest,
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best.
and a cure was not to be,
so He put His arms around you
and whispered, 'come to me.'
With tearful eyes we watched you,
and saw you pass away,
although we loved you dearly,
we could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
hard working hands at rest,
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
The Energizer Bunny
It keeps going, and going, and going.
About a month ago I went home for the weekend. On a Friday afternoon I went to visit my grandma, Busha. We sat and talked while she ate her lunch and I ate some of her fabulous chocolate chip cookies. I stayed for a few hours, and then she sent me away with a bag of groceries she insisted I needed for school. I waved from my car with her standing at the front window, just like we had always done.
Three weeks ago, Busha was diagnosed with brain cancer. One week ago, they gave her a couple of months to live. And tonight, for about the tenth night in a row, I can't sleep.
Don't ask me why I am disclosing this information to you. It is extremely personal and hard for me to deal with, and yet here I am typing away. Some of it has to do with the ease with which typing comes. If I say it out loud, that Busha will leave soon, it sounds unreal. Like a line from a play or something. If I talk about it too much, I'll cry, but if I mention it casually...it's just not real.
Busha has the type of brain cancer that is what doctor's call "the worst possible choice of cancer." It is extremely aggressive and barely gives anyone a chance of survival.
It just keeps going, and going, and going.
I spent all of last weekend with my grandma. Watched her sit in a nursing home where she doesn't belong. She belongs back at her home, surrounded by family and friends. She sat in a wheelchair and listened to a visiting choir, not really knowing what was going on.
That is how fast this cancer acts. Three weeks ago she was fine. This weekend, I'm not sure if she will know my name. She spends a lot of time staring into space, making me watch her with the same far-off look that she has. My mom, her sister, and four brothers are probably taking this the hardest, but I can't get over it.
I know that all families suffer, and go through hardships. But I have never lost anyone...why did it have to start off so big? With someone that I really can't imagine my life without?
There was no way to prepare for this onslaught of bad news, and there is just no stopping it. Cancer rips through the patient, yes, but it tears families apart too. With sorrow, regret for times they could have, should have spent.
It keeps going, and going, and going.
I don't really know how to respond to this. I know people don't like to hear me talk about it, and it is hard to be a good listener all the time. I don't even really want to talk about it, because there is only so many things one can say. And so much that I can say that I really believe. In my mind, there are two Bushas. The one in the home that is sick and unknowing to her family, and that Busha that I will see when I go to her house; the one baking or probably trying to teach us a new polka dance.
This is one of the hardest times of my life, and I don't mean to sit here and complain and make this incredibly personal. But this seems to be my only outlet. I just don't understand. She has never done anything to deserve this. She lost a husband when she wasn't even 50, she had six children to raise on her own, and has helped with over 30 grandchildren. She went to church twice every week, and was the most faithful, sweet woman I have ever known. Why the HELL does it have to be her?
I keep praying for a miracle, that I keep assuming will come.
But it just doesn't stop.
About a month ago I went home for the weekend. On a Friday afternoon I went to visit my grandma, Busha. We sat and talked while she ate her lunch and I ate some of her fabulous chocolate chip cookies. I stayed for a few hours, and then she sent me away with a bag of groceries she insisted I needed for school. I waved from my car with her standing at the front window, just like we had always done.
Three weeks ago, Busha was diagnosed with brain cancer. One week ago, they gave her a couple of months to live. And tonight, for about the tenth night in a row, I can't sleep.
Don't ask me why I am disclosing this information to you. It is extremely personal and hard for me to deal with, and yet here I am typing away. Some of it has to do with the ease with which typing comes. If I say it out loud, that Busha will leave soon, it sounds unreal. Like a line from a play or something. If I talk about it too much, I'll cry, but if I mention it casually...it's just not real.
Busha has the type of brain cancer that is what doctor's call "the worst possible choice of cancer." It is extremely aggressive and barely gives anyone a chance of survival.
It just keeps going, and going, and going.
I spent all of last weekend with my grandma. Watched her sit in a nursing home where she doesn't belong. She belongs back at her home, surrounded by family and friends. She sat in a wheelchair and listened to a visiting choir, not really knowing what was going on.
That is how fast this cancer acts. Three weeks ago she was fine. This weekend, I'm not sure if she will know my name. She spends a lot of time staring into space, making me watch her with the same far-off look that she has. My mom, her sister, and four brothers are probably taking this the hardest, but I can't get over it.
I know that all families suffer, and go through hardships. But I have never lost anyone...why did it have to start off so big? With someone that I really can't imagine my life without?
There was no way to prepare for this onslaught of bad news, and there is just no stopping it. Cancer rips through the patient, yes, but it tears families apart too. With sorrow, regret for times they could have, should have spent.
It keeps going, and going, and going.
I don't really know how to respond to this. I know people don't like to hear me talk about it, and it is hard to be a good listener all the time. I don't even really want to talk about it, because there is only so many things one can say. And so much that I can say that I really believe. In my mind, there are two Bushas. The one in the home that is sick and unknowing to her family, and that Busha that I will see when I go to her house; the one baking or probably trying to teach us a new polka dance.
This is one of the hardest times of my life, and I don't mean to sit here and complain and make this incredibly personal. But this seems to be my only outlet. I just don't understand. She has never done anything to deserve this. She lost a husband when she wasn't even 50, she had six children to raise on her own, and has helped with over 30 grandchildren. She went to church twice every week, and was the most faithful, sweet woman I have ever known. Why the HELL does it have to be her?
I keep praying for a miracle, that I keep assuming will come.
But it just doesn't stop.
Monday, January 28, 2008
The Easy Button
This is just an article that I recently wrote for the State News (our school newspaper..look for it next week =). I though I would share it with you since my updates have been limited.
Is America hooked on the “Easy Button?”
The other day I was watching TV when one of the highly popular Staples commercials came on air. It showcased a man who couldn’t find his easy button, and asked a coworker for help. Instead of looking for the man’s missing necessity, she reached for her own button, pressed it and voila, his appeared.
All of the Staple commercials go basically the same way. Something happens that appears impossible or unfixable. Either office supplies are falling from the air (“easy button on”) or, like above, something is missing (“easy button off”). Hence using the button (which symbolizes the chain store) is the key to everything.
The message of these ads is clear: Staples makes shopping and technology easy for the costumer, no matter what it is they are looking for.
The commercials continued on (like advertisements for fast food and Match.com) and I really got to wondering about this so-called “Easy Button.” If you think about it, the American population takes a chance at pushing this button whenever we can. We want the quick fix.
We search for any available immediate answer out there, and the results are impacting our lives in not-so-positive ways. Especially in the way we communicate.
Think about it. How many times do we come face-to-face with our problems, questions and comments? Everyday conversations that took place just a few years ago are methods of the past. We have “moved-on” to technological answers, but is this always the right way to go?
Go back 50 years. Remember the whole Leave it to Beaver scene? The family sitting around the table, happy and smiling from a successful day. A warm homemade dinner on each plate. The conversation flows like water and everyone enjoys their family’s company.
OK so real life families aren’t so cheesy, but we all used to take pleasure in some sort of table-talk with our parents and siblings. It was a good time to catch up, eat a good meal and actually speak with our relatives.
Now, all we do is “easy-button-it” and grab a bucket from KFC or some Happy Meals. We live off of fast food and eating on the go. I realize families these days are busy with sports, work and other extra curriculars. Half of us aren’t even at home anymore, obviously. But even when we visit our respective towns how often is it you sit with your entire family for a meal?
We have lost that image of a strong conversation over a hot meal. While it doesn’t seem like too big of a deal, it was a time for family bonding which is an important aspect of a healthy community. Like it or not.
It isn’t only interfamily communication that is dwindling. Way back when (i.e.: five or 10 years ago) when we needed a job, we went out and looked for one. Even if the ad was in the paper, we got dressed up to attempt a professional look, printed off that exaggerated resume and headed off to grab an application or interview.
Now? We search the papers sure, but the job world is online. Monstertrak.com, Helpwanted.com, the list goes on. All we have to do is sit at home at our desk and search engine jobs in our cities. Hundreds pop up, and all we have to do is click (said easy button) and off goes our resume. All of this can be done in our pajamas. Last year, I even conducted an interview online. Don’t ask how that went.
We can work from home or even in a workplace, never leave your office. We are losing personal connections with our potential coworkers and bosses. The feeling of individual relationships within the workplace is pretty rare. Everything is done by email and Internet memos.
Even the slightly personable phone call is being “upgraded” to texts or AIM. Dreading an awkward convo? No worries, just easy-button-it and bingo, have said conversation online. Need to talk during class? Not a problem. Easy-it, send a text.
Even our relationships can take short-cuts these days. Believe me, I’m not knocking the web sites or anyone’s way of meeting someone, I’m just making a point. But we can sign up at eHarmony or Match.com and find a partner. You don’t have to do anything to meet someone except for fill out a list of ‘wants’ and ‘don’t wants’ and you are all set.
There isn’t a touch of intimacy and flirtation at all. It’s hard to believe that all this can be done through a computer, when it once involved nights with the girls or guys to search for “the one.”
Although communication is getting easier, it all seems to be involving more technology than people. Is this really the way we want our country to go? Into a realm of Internet conversations and romances? Dinners consisting solely of fast food eaten on the go.
Who knew a simple Staple’s commercial can sum up our daily lives as an American?
Is America hooked on the “Easy Button?”
The other day I was watching TV when one of the highly popular Staples commercials came on air. It showcased a man who couldn’t find his easy button, and asked a coworker for help. Instead of looking for the man’s missing necessity, she reached for her own button, pressed it and voila, his appeared.
All of the Staple commercials go basically the same way. Something happens that appears impossible or unfixable. Either office supplies are falling from the air (“easy button on”) or, like above, something is missing (“easy button off”). Hence using the button (which symbolizes the chain store) is the key to everything.
The message of these ads is clear: Staples makes shopping and technology easy for the costumer, no matter what it is they are looking for.
The commercials continued on (like advertisements for fast food and Match.com) and I really got to wondering about this so-called “Easy Button.” If you think about it, the American population takes a chance at pushing this button whenever we can. We want the quick fix.
We search for any available immediate answer out there, and the results are impacting our lives in not-so-positive ways. Especially in the way we communicate.
Think about it. How many times do we come face-to-face with our problems, questions and comments? Everyday conversations that took place just a few years ago are methods of the past. We have “moved-on” to technological answers, but is this always the right way to go?
Go back 50 years. Remember the whole Leave it to Beaver scene? The family sitting around the table, happy and smiling from a successful day. A warm homemade dinner on each plate. The conversation flows like water and everyone enjoys their family’s company.
OK so real life families aren’t so cheesy, but we all used to take pleasure in some sort of table-talk with our parents and siblings. It was a good time to catch up, eat a good meal and actually speak with our relatives.
Now, all we do is “easy-button-it” and grab a bucket from KFC or some Happy Meals. We live off of fast food and eating on the go. I realize families these days are busy with sports, work and other extra curriculars. Half of us aren’t even at home anymore, obviously. But even when we visit our respective towns how often is it you sit with your entire family for a meal?
We have lost that image of a strong conversation over a hot meal. While it doesn’t seem like too big of a deal, it was a time for family bonding which is an important aspect of a healthy community. Like it or not.
It isn’t only interfamily communication that is dwindling. Way back when (i.e.: five or 10 years ago) when we needed a job, we went out and looked for one. Even if the ad was in the paper, we got dressed up to attempt a professional look, printed off that exaggerated resume and headed off to grab an application or interview.
Now? We search the papers sure, but the job world is online. Monstertrak.com, Helpwanted.com, the list goes on. All we have to do is sit at home at our desk and search engine jobs in our cities. Hundreds pop up, and all we have to do is click (said easy button) and off goes our resume. All of this can be done in our pajamas. Last year, I even conducted an interview online. Don’t ask how that went.
We can work from home or even in a workplace, never leave your office. We are losing personal connections with our potential coworkers and bosses. The feeling of individual relationships within the workplace is pretty rare. Everything is done by email and Internet memos.
Even the slightly personable phone call is being “upgraded” to texts or AIM. Dreading an awkward convo? No worries, just easy-button-it and bingo, have said conversation online. Need to talk during class? Not a problem. Easy-it, send a text.
Even our relationships can take short-cuts these days. Believe me, I’m not knocking the web sites or anyone’s way of meeting someone, I’m just making a point. But we can sign up at eHarmony or Match.com and find a partner. You don’t have to do anything to meet someone except for fill out a list of ‘wants’ and ‘don’t wants’ and you are all set.
There isn’t a touch of intimacy and flirtation at all. It’s hard to believe that all this can be done through a computer, when it once involved nights with the girls or guys to search for “the one.”
Although communication is getting easier, it all seems to be involving more technology than people. Is this really the way we want our country to go? Into a realm of Internet conversations and romances? Dinners consisting solely of fast food eaten on the go.
Who knew a simple Staple’s commercial can sum up our daily lives as an American?
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
I Guess If You Don't Jump...You'll Never Know if You Can Fly
How many people are in your life that you could without a doubt, say you trusted with your life? Think about it.
Probably not that many. Because no matter how close of friends we have, no matter how loving our family is, and no matter how good of a relationship we are in, trust can always be an issue.
When we are young, we trust our parents. We know that they will be honest, guide us through life, and teach us all that they know in order for us to grow into healthy and successful adults. We know that they are telling us that when we go to school, everything will be ok and we will always come home at the end of the day. They help us through those awkward years. They are there for us, even through adulthood. They are our first and foremost form of trust and unconditional love (for the most part).
Then we learn to trust other people, and they become our friends. We know that they will be honest, guide us through life when no one else understands what is going on, and help us grow into healthy and successful adults. We trust our friends to keep all of our secrets, to be our shoulder to cry on, to laugh with...friends are everything. To be really cheesy, they really are our chosen family.
Throughout life we know that we can trust our moms, dads, sisters, and brothers, our other family members, teachers, and friends. But when it comes to a relationship...how far are we willing to go to put complete trust in another person. Who pops into our lives at an unexpected moment, who we haven't known forever. I think what scares us most about relationships is that, realistically, they aren't one of a kind. Moms are. Dads are. We can't go searching for new parents if something goes wrong. The same is said for all family. Even friends are not completely isolated, since they usually come in groups. Granted, a best friend is something a bit different.
But in relationships, trust is pretty much all you are going on at first. You trust they are honest and genuine. So when things go wrong at the BEGINNING of this new found "love" things can be pretty murky from there on out. Think of it as learning to ride a bike. Whoever is guiding us tells us they will never let go to that back of the seat, they will keep us safe. Before we know it, we look behind us and see them standing far away...nowhere near that bike seat. And we tumble. How long does it take to get back on that bike? How long does trust take to build after those initial setbacks?
Here is a person that you ideally have given most of yourself to. Your time, your efforts, your attention, your love...even the smallest slip-up can have you running in the other direction. It can scare us so much to trust another person fully, especially since this kind of trust is new. How do we know they won't hurt us, make us cry, make us untrustworthy of everything? We can't...love truly is blind. In a different sense, of course.
I suppose I don't really have a point. I just think about it from time to time about how much trust can hurt us. It's a catch 22. If we keep our guard up and are slow to trust, relationships suffer...people are stressed and strained from being constantly bombarded with uncertainty and questions. People are pushed away. The second we let that guard fall, however, we are completely vulnerable. And we get hurt...and feel like an idiot.
Anyone can say nice things, words that sound so honest and real that we will promise never to be weary of them again. How much of that is bullshit? Probably, a lot. They tell us the truth that we want to hear, in order to save themselves.
I sound so pessimistic, and I realize that. And I don't mean to sound like I'm bitching. I just want to know if anyone understands, or feels the same way at all. Or if I just confused and made you utterly terrified of trusting someone ever. Sorry for that...
Overall, it's nice to trust someone...whomever it is. A parent, a sibling, friend, or other...and how great would it be if we could trust them all with our lives. I guess it comes down to getting back on the bike, and learning how to ride.
Probably not that many. Because no matter how close of friends we have, no matter how loving our family is, and no matter how good of a relationship we are in, trust can always be an issue.
When we are young, we trust our parents. We know that they will be honest, guide us through life, and teach us all that they know in order for us to grow into healthy and successful adults. We know that they are telling us that when we go to school, everything will be ok and we will always come home at the end of the day. They help us through those awkward years. They are there for us, even through adulthood. They are our first and foremost form of trust and unconditional love (for the most part).
Then we learn to trust other people, and they become our friends. We know that they will be honest, guide us through life when no one else understands what is going on, and help us grow into healthy and successful adults. We trust our friends to keep all of our secrets, to be our shoulder to cry on, to laugh with...friends are everything. To be really cheesy, they really are our chosen family.
Throughout life we know that we can trust our moms, dads, sisters, and brothers, our other family members, teachers, and friends. But when it comes to a relationship...how far are we willing to go to put complete trust in another person. Who pops into our lives at an unexpected moment, who we haven't known forever. I think what scares us most about relationships is that, realistically, they aren't one of a kind. Moms are. Dads are. We can't go searching for new parents if something goes wrong. The same is said for all family. Even friends are not completely isolated, since they usually come in groups. Granted, a best friend is something a bit different.
But in relationships, trust is pretty much all you are going on at first. You trust they are honest and genuine. So when things go wrong at the BEGINNING of this new found "love" things can be pretty murky from there on out. Think of it as learning to ride a bike. Whoever is guiding us tells us they will never let go to that back of the seat, they will keep us safe. Before we know it, we look behind us and see them standing far away...nowhere near that bike seat. And we tumble. How long does it take to get back on that bike? How long does trust take to build after those initial setbacks?
Here is a person that you ideally have given most of yourself to. Your time, your efforts, your attention, your love...even the smallest slip-up can have you running in the other direction. It can scare us so much to trust another person fully, especially since this kind of trust is new. How do we know they won't hurt us, make us cry, make us untrustworthy of everything? We can't...love truly is blind. In a different sense, of course.
I suppose I don't really have a point. I just think about it from time to time about how much trust can hurt us. It's a catch 22. If we keep our guard up and are slow to trust, relationships suffer...people are stressed and strained from being constantly bombarded with uncertainty and questions. People are pushed away. The second we let that guard fall, however, we are completely vulnerable. And we get hurt...and feel like an idiot.
Anyone can say nice things, words that sound so honest and real that we will promise never to be weary of them again. How much of that is bullshit? Probably, a lot. They tell us the truth that we want to hear, in order to save themselves.
I sound so pessimistic, and I realize that. And I don't mean to sound like I'm bitching. I just want to know if anyone understands, or feels the same way at all. Or if I just confused and made you utterly terrified of trusting someone ever. Sorry for that...
Overall, it's nice to trust someone...whomever it is. A parent, a sibling, friend, or other...and how great would it be if we could trust them all with our lives. I guess it comes down to getting back on the bike, and learning how to ride.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Quote for Thought
I don't have much to say tonight...although some events this weekend have given me ideas for some extremely interesting posts later on. I'm just too tired to think about that right now.
But I did recently hear a really interesting quote that I thought to share. Maybe you won't find it intriguing as I did, but I guess I don't really care. Anyways, here it is.
"I'd rather have a little bit of something, than everything of nothing."
Think about it...what would you rather have?
But I did recently hear a really interesting quote that I thought to share. Maybe you won't find it intriguing as I did, but I guess I don't really care. Anyways, here it is.
"I'd rather have a little bit of something, than everything of nothing."
Think about it...what would you rather have?
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