It's Gonna Hurt Bad Before It Gets Better

As you know, from the last entry and just by knowing me, Busha passed away almost 3 weeks ago.

This is going to be another personal entry, and I apologize, but writing sometimes helps. Although right now even writing the longest book in the world wouldn't take away this hurt.

It happened on a Friday night. A few of my cousins and I decided to stay the night at her house like we used to when we were little. We got ready for bed, and said goodnight to her. We told her we loved her, and thanks for everything...somehow it seemed like the right time. Less than a minute after we left the room, she was gone.

I can honestly say that that night, was the worst of my life. It was like a dream watching family come in, rushing to the bedroom, sitting up and crying and shaking. Watchig the men come and take her away. It was awful. The days that followed were and will be, without a doubt, a few of the darkest of my life. I have never lost someone so close to me, and it turns out, I deal pretty poorly.

Everyone says that it gets easier, that losing a grandparent is so common you will feel better in no time. Well these people never lost Busha. She was the glue that kept our family together...a family of over 12 aunts and uncles, 14 grandchildren, and 16 great-grand children. We are such a close family, but it was all because of her. I spoke at the funeral home service, surprisingly making it through. I told a funny story, because Busha was full of them.

She was so full of life, so caring, so brave. Probably my favorite person in the world. And I keep talking about it, but I can't stop. I believe that the people who are important in my life each make up a little piece of my heart. When they leave, their piece goes with them. So it honestly feels like I am missing a piece of me. I'm not going to get over this. I'm not going to feel ashamed that I start crying while walking to class. I am going to miss her forever, and right now the sting is just too much.

Death is so crazy to me. It is way too permanent. For some reason, I keep thinking this is just temporary. It's a bad dream, and she will be back once we learn our lesson.

We drove to Florida last week, and by the time we arrived I was going on 40 minutes of sleep in over 30 hours. I was so tired, I actually delusioned myself into thinking that it didn't really happen. That she was fine, the funeral was a dream.

I hope she can hear me, see me, know that I love her and miss her so much.

Bear with me for awhile, I really don't know when this will pass. And for everyone that has lost someone, I am so so so sorry I didn't fully appreciate your loss at the time. I didn't understand. And every loss is different, I know. I just hope no one ever has to experience this kind of hurt.