As you know, from the last entry and just by knowing me, Busha passed away almost 3 weeks ago.
This is going to be another personal entry, and I apologize, but writing sometimes helps. Although right now even writing the longest book in the world wouldn't take away this hurt.
It happened on a Friday night. A few of my cousins and I decided to stay the night at her house like we used to when we were little. We got ready for bed, and said goodnight to her. We told her we loved her, and thanks for everything...somehow it seemed like the right time. Less than a minute after we left the room, she was gone.
I can honestly say that that night, was the worst of my life. It was like a dream watching family come in, rushing to the bedroom, sitting up and crying and shaking. Watchig the men come and take her away. It was awful. The days that followed were and will be, without a doubt, a few of the darkest of my life. I have never lost someone so close to me, and it turns out, I deal pretty poorly.
Everyone says that it gets easier, that losing a grandparent is so common you will feel better in no time. Well these people never lost Busha. She was the glue that kept our family together...a family of over 12 aunts and uncles, 14 grandchildren, and 16 great-grand children. We are such a close family, but it was all because of her. I spoke at the funeral home service, surprisingly making it through. I told a funny story, because Busha was full of them.
She was so full of life, so caring, so brave. Probably my favorite person in the world. And I keep talking about it, but I can't stop. I believe that the people who are important in my life each make up a little piece of my heart. When they leave, their piece goes with them. So it honestly feels like I am missing a piece of me. I'm not going to get over this. I'm not going to feel ashamed that I start crying while walking to class. I am going to miss her forever, and right now the sting is just too much.
Death is so crazy to me. It is way too permanent. For some reason, I keep thinking this is just temporary. It's a bad dream, and she will be back once we learn our lesson.
We drove to Florida last week, and by the time we arrived I was going on 40 minutes of sleep in over 30 hours. I was so tired, I actually delusioned myself into thinking that it didn't really happen. That she was fine, the funeral was a dream.
I hope she can hear me, see me, know that I love her and miss her so much.
Bear with me for awhile, I really don't know when this will pass. And for everyone that has lost someone, I am so so so sorry I didn't fully appreciate your loss at the time. I didn't understand. And every loss is different, I know. I just hope no one ever has to experience this kind of hurt.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
And angels fall without you here...
God saw you were getting tired,
and a cure was not to be,
so He put His arms around you
and whispered, 'come to me.'
With tearful eyes we watched you,
and saw you pass away,
although we loved you dearly,
we could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
hard working hands at rest,
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best.
and a cure was not to be,
so He put His arms around you
and whispered, 'come to me.'
With tearful eyes we watched you,
and saw you pass away,
although we loved you dearly,
we could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
hard working hands at rest,
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
The Energizer Bunny
It keeps going, and going, and going.
About a month ago I went home for the weekend. On a Friday afternoon I went to visit my grandma, Busha. We sat and talked while she ate her lunch and I ate some of her fabulous chocolate chip cookies. I stayed for a few hours, and then she sent me away with a bag of groceries she insisted I needed for school. I waved from my car with her standing at the front window, just like we had always done.
Three weeks ago, Busha was diagnosed with brain cancer. One week ago, they gave her a couple of months to live. And tonight, for about the tenth night in a row, I can't sleep.
Don't ask me why I am disclosing this information to you. It is extremely personal and hard for me to deal with, and yet here I am typing away. Some of it has to do with the ease with which typing comes. If I say it out loud, that Busha will leave soon, it sounds unreal. Like a line from a play or something. If I talk about it too much, I'll cry, but if I mention it casually...it's just not real.
Busha has the type of brain cancer that is what doctor's call "the worst possible choice of cancer." It is extremely aggressive and barely gives anyone a chance of survival.
It just keeps going, and going, and going.
I spent all of last weekend with my grandma. Watched her sit in a nursing home where she doesn't belong. She belongs back at her home, surrounded by family and friends. She sat in a wheelchair and listened to a visiting choir, not really knowing what was going on.
That is how fast this cancer acts. Three weeks ago she was fine. This weekend, I'm not sure if she will know my name. She spends a lot of time staring into space, making me watch her with the same far-off look that she has. My mom, her sister, and four brothers are probably taking this the hardest, but I can't get over it.
I know that all families suffer, and go through hardships. But I have never lost anyone...why did it have to start off so big? With someone that I really can't imagine my life without?
There was no way to prepare for this onslaught of bad news, and there is just no stopping it. Cancer rips through the patient, yes, but it tears families apart too. With sorrow, regret for times they could have, should have spent.
It keeps going, and going, and going.
I don't really know how to respond to this. I know people don't like to hear me talk about it, and it is hard to be a good listener all the time. I don't even really want to talk about it, because there is only so many things one can say. And so much that I can say that I really believe. In my mind, there are two Bushas. The one in the home that is sick and unknowing to her family, and that Busha that I will see when I go to her house; the one baking or probably trying to teach us a new polka dance.
This is one of the hardest times of my life, and I don't mean to sit here and complain and make this incredibly personal. But this seems to be my only outlet. I just don't understand. She has never done anything to deserve this. She lost a husband when she wasn't even 50, she had six children to raise on her own, and has helped with over 30 grandchildren. She went to church twice every week, and was the most faithful, sweet woman I have ever known. Why the HELL does it have to be her?
I keep praying for a miracle, that I keep assuming will come.
But it just doesn't stop.
About a month ago I went home for the weekend. On a Friday afternoon I went to visit my grandma, Busha. We sat and talked while she ate her lunch and I ate some of her fabulous chocolate chip cookies. I stayed for a few hours, and then she sent me away with a bag of groceries she insisted I needed for school. I waved from my car with her standing at the front window, just like we had always done.
Three weeks ago, Busha was diagnosed with brain cancer. One week ago, they gave her a couple of months to live. And tonight, for about the tenth night in a row, I can't sleep.
Don't ask me why I am disclosing this information to you. It is extremely personal and hard for me to deal with, and yet here I am typing away. Some of it has to do with the ease with which typing comes. If I say it out loud, that Busha will leave soon, it sounds unreal. Like a line from a play or something. If I talk about it too much, I'll cry, but if I mention it casually...it's just not real.
Busha has the type of brain cancer that is what doctor's call "the worst possible choice of cancer." It is extremely aggressive and barely gives anyone a chance of survival.
It just keeps going, and going, and going.
I spent all of last weekend with my grandma. Watched her sit in a nursing home where she doesn't belong. She belongs back at her home, surrounded by family and friends. She sat in a wheelchair and listened to a visiting choir, not really knowing what was going on.
That is how fast this cancer acts. Three weeks ago she was fine. This weekend, I'm not sure if she will know my name. She spends a lot of time staring into space, making me watch her with the same far-off look that she has. My mom, her sister, and four brothers are probably taking this the hardest, but I can't get over it.
I know that all families suffer, and go through hardships. But I have never lost anyone...why did it have to start off so big? With someone that I really can't imagine my life without?
There was no way to prepare for this onslaught of bad news, and there is just no stopping it. Cancer rips through the patient, yes, but it tears families apart too. With sorrow, regret for times they could have, should have spent.
It keeps going, and going, and going.
I don't really know how to respond to this. I know people don't like to hear me talk about it, and it is hard to be a good listener all the time. I don't even really want to talk about it, because there is only so many things one can say. And so much that I can say that I really believe. In my mind, there are two Bushas. The one in the home that is sick and unknowing to her family, and that Busha that I will see when I go to her house; the one baking or probably trying to teach us a new polka dance.
This is one of the hardest times of my life, and I don't mean to sit here and complain and make this incredibly personal. But this seems to be my only outlet. I just don't understand. She has never done anything to deserve this. She lost a husband when she wasn't even 50, she had six children to raise on her own, and has helped with over 30 grandchildren. She went to church twice every week, and was the most faithful, sweet woman I have ever known. Why the HELL does it have to be her?
I keep praying for a miracle, that I keep assuming will come.
But it just doesn't stop.
Monday, January 28, 2008
The Easy Button
This is just an article that I recently wrote for the State News (our school newspaper..look for it next week =). I though I would share it with you since my updates have been limited.
Is America hooked on the “Easy Button?”
The other day I was watching TV when one of the highly popular Staples commercials came on air. It showcased a man who couldn’t find his easy button, and asked a coworker for help. Instead of looking for the man’s missing necessity, she reached for her own button, pressed it and voila, his appeared.
All of the Staple commercials go basically the same way. Something happens that appears impossible or unfixable. Either office supplies are falling from the air (“easy button on”) or, like above, something is missing (“easy button off”). Hence using the button (which symbolizes the chain store) is the key to everything.
The message of these ads is clear: Staples makes shopping and technology easy for the costumer, no matter what it is they are looking for.
The commercials continued on (like advertisements for fast food and Match.com) and I really got to wondering about this so-called “Easy Button.” If you think about it, the American population takes a chance at pushing this button whenever we can. We want the quick fix.
We search for any available immediate answer out there, and the results are impacting our lives in not-so-positive ways. Especially in the way we communicate.
Think about it. How many times do we come face-to-face with our problems, questions and comments? Everyday conversations that took place just a few years ago are methods of the past. We have “moved-on” to technological answers, but is this always the right way to go?
Go back 50 years. Remember the whole Leave it to Beaver scene? The family sitting around the table, happy and smiling from a successful day. A warm homemade dinner on each plate. The conversation flows like water and everyone enjoys their family’s company.
OK so real life families aren’t so cheesy, but we all used to take pleasure in some sort of table-talk with our parents and siblings. It was a good time to catch up, eat a good meal and actually speak with our relatives.
Now, all we do is “easy-button-it” and grab a bucket from KFC or some Happy Meals. We live off of fast food and eating on the go. I realize families these days are busy with sports, work and other extra curriculars. Half of us aren’t even at home anymore, obviously. But even when we visit our respective towns how often is it you sit with your entire family for a meal?
We have lost that image of a strong conversation over a hot meal. While it doesn’t seem like too big of a deal, it was a time for family bonding which is an important aspect of a healthy community. Like it or not.
It isn’t only interfamily communication that is dwindling. Way back when (i.e.: five or 10 years ago) when we needed a job, we went out and looked for one. Even if the ad was in the paper, we got dressed up to attempt a professional look, printed off that exaggerated resume and headed off to grab an application or interview.
Now? We search the papers sure, but the job world is online. Monstertrak.com, Helpwanted.com, the list goes on. All we have to do is sit at home at our desk and search engine jobs in our cities. Hundreds pop up, and all we have to do is click (said easy button) and off goes our resume. All of this can be done in our pajamas. Last year, I even conducted an interview online. Don’t ask how that went.
We can work from home or even in a workplace, never leave your office. We are losing personal connections with our potential coworkers and bosses. The feeling of individual relationships within the workplace is pretty rare. Everything is done by email and Internet memos.
Even the slightly personable phone call is being “upgraded” to texts or AIM. Dreading an awkward convo? No worries, just easy-button-it and bingo, have said conversation online. Need to talk during class? Not a problem. Easy-it, send a text.
Even our relationships can take short-cuts these days. Believe me, I’m not knocking the web sites or anyone’s way of meeting someone, I’m just making a point. But we can sign up at eHarmony or Match.com and find a partner. You don’t have to do anything to meet someone except for fill out a list of ‘wants’ and ‘don’t wants’ and you are all set.
There isn’t a touch of intimacy and flirtation at all. It’s hard to believe that all this can be done through a computer, when it once involved nights with the girls or guys to search for “the one.”
Although communication is getting easier, it all seems to be involving more technology than people. Is this really the way we want our country to go? Into a realm of Internet conversations and romances? Dinners consisting solely of fast food eaten on the go.
Who knew a simple Staple’s commercial can sum up our daily lives as an American?
Is America hooked on the “Easy Button?”
The other day I was watching TV when one of the highly popular Staples commercials came on air. It showcased a man who couldn’t find his easy button, and asked a coworker for help. Instead of looking for the man’s missing necessity, she reached for her own button, pressed it and voila, his appeared.
All of the Staple commercials go basically the same way. Something happens that appears impossible or unfixable. Either office supplies are falling from the air (“easy button on”) or, like above, something is missing (“easy button off”). Hence using the button (which symbolizes the chain store) is the key to everything.
The message of these ads is clear: Staples makes shopping and technology easy for the costumer, no matter what it is they are looking for.
The commercials continued on (like advertisements for fast food and Match.com) and I really got to wondering about this so-called “Easy Button.” If you think about it, the American population takes a chance at pushing this button whenever we can. We want the quick fix.
We search for any available immediate answer out there, and the results are impacting our lives in not-so-positive ways. Especially in the way we communicate.
Think about it. How many times do we come face-to-face with our problems, questions and comments? Everyday conversations that took place just a few years ago are methods of the past. We have “moved-on” to technological answers, but is this always the right way to go?
Go back 50 years. Remember the whole Leave it to Beaver scene? The family sitting around the table, happy and smiling from a successful day. A warm homemade dinner on each plate. The conversation flows like water and everyone enjoys their family’s company.
OK so real life families aren’t so cheesy, but we all used to take pleasure in some sort of table-talk with our parents and siblings. It was a good time to catch up, eat a good meal and actually speak with our relatives.
Now, all we do is “easy-button-it” and grab a bucket from KFC or some Happy Meals. We live off of fast food and eating on the go. I realize families these days are busy with sports, work and other extra curriculars. Half of us aren’t even at home anymore, obviously. But even when we visit our respective towns how often is it you sit with your entire family for a meal?
We have lost that image of a strong conversation over a hot meal. While it doesn’t seem like too big of a deal, it was a time for family bonding which is an important aspect of a healthy community. Like it or not.
It isn’t only interfamily communication that is dwindling. Way back when (i.e.: five or 10 years ago) when we needed a job, we went out and looked for one. Even if the ad was in the paper, we got dressed up to attempt a professional look, printed off that exaggerated resume and headed off to grab an application or interview.
Now? We search the papers sure, but the job world is online. Monstertrak.com, Helpwanted.com, the list goes on. All we have to do is sit at home at our desk and search engine jobs in our cities. Hundreds pop up, and all we have to do is click (said easy button) and off goes our resume. All of this can be done in our pajamas. Last year, I even conducted an interview online. Don’t ask how that went.
We can work from home or even in a workplace, never leave your office. We are losing personal connections with our potential coworkers and bosses. The feeling of individual relationships within the workplace is pretty rare. Everything is done by email and Internet memos.
Even the slightly personable phone call is being “upgraded” to texts or AIM. Dreading an awkward convo? No worries, just easy-button-it and bingo, have said conversation online. Need to talk during class? Not a problem. Easy-it, send a text.
Even our relationships can take short-cuts these days. Believe me, I’m not knocking the web sites or anyone’s way of meeting someone, I’m just making a point. But we can sign up at eHarmony or Match.com and find a partner. You don’t have to do anything to meet someone except for fill out a list of ‘wants’ and ‘don’t wants’ and you are all set.
There isn’t a touch of intimacy and flirtation at all. It’s hard to believe that all this can be done through a computer, when it once involved nights with the girls or guys to search for “the one.”
Although communication is getting easier, it all seems to be involving more technology than people. Is this really the way we want our country to go? Into a realm of Internet conversations and romances? Dinners consisting solely of fast food eaten on the go.
Who knew a simple Staple’s commercial can sum up our daily lives as an American?
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
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